Letters to my daughter.. Part one.

You remind me of myself so much that it actually scares me.  My beautiful girl.  Here I was all those years ago thinking you'd been freed of the 'mental health' curse.  I couldn't get that lucky.  I blame myself for everything.  Your SA, your anxiety, your depression, your dark thoughts, your self harm, the constant urge to hurt someone or yourself so badly, suicidal ideation, mania - you and I are mirror images, and that scares me so much that I don't think I could ever be honest enough to tell you..

Your uncle seems to like to vilify and rehash the fact we let the ball drop and let a predator in our house.  I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that, and each time he brings it up my tummy turns into knots.  It's unfair, yes, justified, not really, should he move on, yes but he can't.  Sometimes I just wish you had a normal uncle & auntie that loved to spend time with you without 'conditions' - 'oh you have to promise you won't do stupid shit, then you can come stay', 'oh, you're definitely not coming to stay now with that behaviour' - so much judgement from someone who was not an angel when he was young. Albeit, he didn't do things to hurt our parents, we had too much respect for them, but what they didn't know didn't hurt them and that stood firm..  The uncle I thought he'd be is nothing of which he is, that hurts me. And sadly, I know it hurts you to have so many conditions to be in his company. I'm sorry.

So far 2022 can kiss my ass.  It's been the most unpleasant start to any year since I got sick.  I know it's affected you and I am trying to keep a lot from you, I really am.  I am fiercely stubborn, but you my darling are too.  You're a warrior, I can see the fire in you - don't ever lose it.  I will be ok, I don't know in what capacity, but once I get some procedures done and maybe change up some medications and some hope I might just be able to walk properly.

Keep being you.  Do your silly TikToks, walk to the park & watch the water over the rocks, dress in your hippy pants & tye dyed shirt, sleep in your mickey mouse bedding, watch those horror movies (I'm proud of you!) eat those cornflakes and honey.. Just be you.  Don't let the assholes steal your light.

I love you,

Mumma Bear

Suicidal Ideation..

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I get it. It took me years to understand how people become so helpless & feel they have no other option but to end their lives. I get it COMPLETELY.  I have suffered with suicidal ideation for so many years, and after suffering from clinical depression from 19, and generalised anxiety disorder at 14 - suicide has plagued me.  As I've gotten older and suffered pre & post natal depression, being admitted at 35 weeks pregnant for suicidal thoughts & a 'plan' - I had almost all but given up.

Mental health is shamed.  It is stigmatized.  It's almost like you're not allowed to be 'mentally ill' because it's not 'visible' and you look 'fine'.  Fuck stigma.  Mental health is REAL.  It's scary, it's lonely and especially when your loved ones don't want to know or understand the depth of where your brain is.  It's taken me a long time to accept that something that happened to me at 17 was out of my control and I've finally begun to heal.  That's 22 years of being shaded by this event, and I refuse to give it anymore of my life.

As I am struggling with dissociation through borderline personality disorder (BPD), it's one of the most difficult things I've ever dealt with since my diagnosis 5 years ago.  It's flared for a reason.. Something is not 'right'.  I am having this horrible 'am I alive or looking in at my life, dead?' - it certainly doesn't do anything for someone that has suffered from self harm since the tender age of 13.  Something of which I knew nothing about.  It wasn't in encyclopedias, in the 'news' we certainly didn't have internet, so I kept my arms & legs covered every day - even in summer.

I'm not looking for sympathy.  I'm looking for understanding.  Everybody deals with things differently, everyone's brains are different.  I wish mine wasn't broken.  I wish I hadn't had that first anxiety attack at 14.  I wish a lot of things.  I just hope one day we can all treat each other with respect no matter what is wrong with us.  Mental health problems are 'illnesses' whether people like to admit it or not.  Just because my brain doesn't function like yours doesn't mean you throw me away or stop caring.

Until next time, be kind x