Letter to my husband (part 2)

It is now the 6th February 2026. We just surpassed 19 whole years together, and how does that make me feel? Absolutely shameful. You know you changed 10 years ago, we've never got you back. The kids, especially Holly, says you're a 'father' and not a 'dad'. She is so spot on. And the fact that she explained why, broke my fucking heart. She said 'I wish dad was a dad, you know, does fun things with his kids, takes them places, creates memories, takes photos together - you know mum, stuff like that' 'but he's just a father, he's not a dad'. How do I come back from that? I can guarantee that it won't affect you either way if I told you that to your face, you would try to hug her for a week and return to your non-empathic, non-sympathetic, angry, narcissist. 

I feel sorry for you, actually. I have never been in a narcissistic relationship before, and it's taken me a little while to gain strength to tell you to your face that you are just that - a complete narcissist. I hate the way all I do is give you unconditional love and all I get back is love with conditions. The financial abuse, emotional abuse, mental anguish - I am half the person I used to be, and so many people have noticed - especially friends from school & friends I've gained through the kids' schools. I have completely lost my spark. I mask my heartache with a smile, humour - anything than have to start to talk to you about 'feelings' because, you know, men don't do that. 

There is nothing that you do for me anymore, absolutely nothing. You don't stimulate me in any way. You don't turn any of my senses on, you don't make me feel sexy, you don't make me feel wanted. You know I HATE being groped, I HATE you kissing my nipples and grabbing at my vagina, I am not a piece of goddamn meat - I am your WIFE. If you want a whore, go and find one, jesus, heaven help a wife that just wants intimacy & spontaneity. I actually realised we have nothing whatsoever in common. I have no idea why I didn't walk away when I was pregnant with Mia, I will NEVER forget how you treated me then and as much as you deny what you said and did, a woman never gets over a man hurting her, especially the father of her unborn child. And unfortunately now, that child is a spitting image of you. She lies to cover lies, if she doesn't get her way - gives me the cold shoulder, that's why you two fight so fucking much, because you're both looking at yourself in the mirror. 

I have done an incredible job of raising our children, they have big hearts, wonderful manners, empathy, sympathy, never leave the house without saying they love me, never hang up the phone without saying they love me, and it's been really fucking hard too. I wish you knew how to treat an autistic child properly. Holly and Blake are chalk and cheese. Holly has methodical ways, Blake has distraction. Not that you know that, as you have no patience or interest in what they go through. I apologise to them everyday for letting them down being sick, and I get from Blake 'Mummy it's ok, you can't help it, you're still the best mummy in the world'. Our 9 year old has more empathy than his 47 year old father. Make that make sense. I teach him that chivalry is not dead. I make him repeat to me how to treat a woman properly. It's heartbreaking really as the dad is meant to do that, but seeing as though you've taught him absolutely nothing but conditional love, I am his mum & his dad. 

I have nothing left. Nothing. I did not want to come home from Tassie. I felt so at peace down there, and I really cannot believe you had to ruin such a heartbreaking trip for me. I will never forgive you, ever. And it's my right to bring that up whenever I feel need be. I got opinions from a few friends about what you did to me, and one asked why you would kick me while I was already down. I said 'because that's what you do' - that is just you. Break a heart, try to brush it off - 'I don't see a big deal', of course you don't. Then as I said, you never take me out for dinner and of all things you scream at me 'THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS SICK'. I didn't think my own husband could hurt me so goddamn much. You shattered me. I have never come back from that. 

I didn't accidentally take those 2 medications together, I knew what I was doing and hoped I would fade into the abyss. The 2nd time I thought it was it, it wasn't as peaceful as the first but I wasn't scared, only scared that my babies would hate me. It's the only way I can get out of this hell of what ever the fuck you call it. A situationship? A friendship? A convenienceship? It's definitely not a marriage. 

I am actually petrified to lose mum & dad, because I know I will not have any comfort from you. I will grieve alone, like I have with my nanna - and look where that got me. A broken heart on top of a broken heart. 

I cannot handle this anymore, but I have nowhere to go - and you know this. So all the stress, throwing up, sickness, infections, chronic fatigue - it's all because of you. If I had half of the stress I have now, I wouldn't have an immune system depletion. I can guarantee you that. Stress is a killer, it hasn't got me yet, but something feels off and it feels like a ticking time bomb, and to be honest? I will welcome it with open arms.

One day when you find these letters, I hope that you feel remorseful, but I know you won't. Just know that your kids despise you, your wife despises you & a lot of people think you're a complete dickhead.

Hospital.

Well.  What a week from fucking hell.  Tuesday.  The day was planned that my friend would come over and help me with the vacuuming after I injured my neck over 2 weeks ago now.  She said when she got to my house that I didn't look well, and I said that's funny as I didn't feel well.  I felt strange, like the calm before the storm.

Sure enough it was.  By 11am I was crippled with pain in my left side.  Unable to breathe properly, sweating profusely, disorientated, rocking myself in some sort of way that I thought would help my 15/10 pain.  My friend rang the health line.  The nurse could hear me moaning in the background, she immediately said 'I'm calling an ambulance, stand by' - that's all I really heard after telling her in between trying to breathe what brought it on (no idea) what my pain levels were and how I ended up slumped over my chest of drawers in my room.

Around 11:30 a paramedic arrived.  He was the most arrogant prick you could have ever sent.  'Stand up' - ah, I can't dickhead.  'Why haven't you taken any pain relief?' - well, as you could probably tell (or not, depending on your brain capacity) I couldn't speak, nor move and was around 2 meters from my drawer with said pain killers in it.  Asshole.

He proceeded to say 'What you have is stronger than anything I have' - good for you! That's fucking amazing.  He made me take one of my pain killers then proceeded to give me this green whistle... Well let me tell you this.  I went from crying in agony to laughing my ass off, according to my friend I was telling the dude that my son was 6 (he's 2.5) and a whole heap of other irrelevant stuff.  Apparently I was hilarious with this little whistle that tasted like I was inhaling nail polish remover.

Hospital.  Well that's fun.  Sitting opposite the nurses station waiting for a bed.. It was peak hour.  6 ambo's came in after I was placed on a chair with a blanket.  What I saw wasn't pleasant and to this day I hope the young girl that had wrapped her car around a tree is still alive.. she looked peaceful though, almost like she'd passed on and they were doing everything to revive her.. From head to toe she was covered in blood.  I'd only ever seen something like this once and that freaked me out, this time she was literally 1 meter from me.  I had to bow my head & just rock.. 

A homeless man presented to emergency in a psychotic episode.  That was scary too.  I've never seen someone in such despair, the mental health team were doing all they can to get him fast tracked but it wasn't enough.. He needed sedation before he hurt a nurse or me (he was standing next to me for around 2 minutes..)  

I was taken to acute where I had this fabulous doctor tell me that it could be a couple of things causing my agony..  A perforated bowel.  Epiploic appendagitis. Or a fucking big kidney stone.  The epiploic appendagitis mimics an appendicitis.  That's EXACTLY what it felt like, when I had my appendicitis I felt like I was in labour... So, we were hoping the CT scan would show this, we'd fix it all good.  Not my lucky day.  A cyst was found on my left kidney, but this wouldn't cause the phenomenal pain I was in..  Back to square one.

I was pumped full of pain meds.  Endone. Fentanyl. Morphine. Repeat.

The only thing that took any edge off my pain was morphine. So my lovely doctor gave me another dose and my pain went down to a 7.

I was moved to short stay, and my lovely night nurse tried to make me as comfortable as possible to try and get some rest.. She gave me valium, buscopan, and this morphine type tablet that went under my tongue.. Can't think of it's name but it was effective.. 

I couldn't shut off.  I messaged my mum (who was staying at our place to look after my kids) for a couple of hours, she couldn't sleep and neither could I..  I was still upset that my husband didn't even bother to come in and see me.  When my doctor asked if I was supported at home with my fibromyalgia & mental health issues, I looked at her and said 'No.'  She was quite sad that I could only rely on my parents and 1 friend for help & support.  That's when the tears started.. I think I cried solidly for 2 hours.  I couldn't bring myself to call my husband because as far as I was concerned, he didn't give a flying fuck about me so why call?  It took me until 10pm to make the call.  I was cold toward him, he didn't pick up on it - he's male, they only care about themselves.  His best mate was more concerned about me than him - sad huh.

The lovely nurses let me rest until 0820 because they knew I'd had a bad night (not asleep until around 3) they came to do my obs, and said I'd be going for an ultrasound and that the surgeons would have a chat to me about the cyst.  I said thank you & grateful a plan was in place.

Cue asshat registrar.  

He told me as there were no significant findings on the CT & X-Ray other than the cyst.  He couldn't give me a reason for my excruciating pain.  He basically said in his own fucked up way that I was a junkie for being on opiates to manage my fibromyalgia.  I lost my shit a little.. I started getting hot from head to toe, burning enough to tell him to get fucked.  I said to him.. 'How dare you ask me to come off something that gives me the little quality of life I have left' - 'Why would you do that?' Because he didn't know shit, I cannot take NSAIDS because of my Xarelto medication for my fucked up lungs.  He said, 'Oh that's a shame' - no shit dickhead.  He said is there anything we can do for you? I said yes, discharge me so I can get away from you.  He looked shocked but not, I don't think I was the first and I won't be the last to tell him he's a dickhead.  He wrote my letter, told the other lady opposite me the exact same thing, she was a junkie too.

Apart from that one empathetic doctor, and her getting on top of my pain for at least an hour, one nice nurse who cannulated me (wow, blood.. holy shit, a tonne of blood - someone get me a plug?) bitchy nurse who wouldn't get written up pain meds and wanted me left in agony 'they'll get to you soon OK?' - woah bitch, hold onto your hair.  I had a nice go at her too.. 

What an experience.  Of course my parents have done more for me that my husband since I got home Wednesday arvo, he hasn't really given one shit - narcissists are not empathetic so I wasn't expecting much.. 

Until next time, be kind. x 

Self Harm.

TRIGGER WARNING ~ SELF HARM...

I feel as though I have let my 11 year old, first born daughter down.  Yesterday I found out she harmed herself and told her 'boyfriend' who then told his mum as he was worried, then his mum told the deputy principal and - queue me.

I got a phone call from one of the deputy principals at school and my first thought was my 2nd daughter, knowing that my first was thriving and doing brilliantly in her last year at primary school, gold student, great respect for her teachers & peers - it couldn't be her.  It was.  Time stopped, I'm sure.  I couldn't process as quickly as I used to be able to and my first reaction was anger.  Now I am so ashamed that the first thing I said to miss 11 was - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?  I am absolutely kicking my own guts in, I feel so disgusted that I, a sufferer of the hideous disease which is self harm, has plagued me since I was 13 - was angry at my clearly suffering daughter.

I saw the photo.  The photo that was sent to her little boyfriend.  It wasn't horrific.. but.. it was a massive trigger for me.  I felt for her.  Tears streamed down my cheeks.  She told me she used a sharp pencil and just 'scratched' at her skin (left arm) no scars were left, and luckily no blood was present.  

I felt her pain.  I got it.  I showed her my left arm, something I have shielded from my kids since they were old enough to see it.  She was shocked.  It's like she didn't realise that it was a 'disease' and the brain really fucks you over sometimes.  To cut yourself to feel better - people look at you like you need to be in a straight jacket with a psych evaluation.  The only thing that took the pain away when I was younger was to cut myself.  I used a bobby pin.  Simple.  Rarely did I use a razor, although I did have a 'stash' in my bottom drawer.  The sharpness of the end of a bobby pin actually does a bit of damage.  My arms, legs, stomach, feet - yes, feet - were covered in cuts & initials.  The only way I got relief from the relentless bullying was to cut.  I felt free.  Among the constant anxiety attacks, the tears from bad memories, the only thing that got me through was to cut.  I went for nearly 2 years before my parents found out.  It broke my mum & my nanna's hearts.  My mum still blames herself for not being 'present' enough when I was a teenager, I think that's why it happened - because a) it felt good and b) only 2 friends knew.. Until I showed my 'high school boyfriend' his initials carved into my right foot. "WHY?" "Why would you do that to yourself?" - I said because I loved him and it made me feel better.  Clearly he didn't understand how harming yourself can make you 'feel better'.

I get why miss 11 did what she did.  She was masking a horrific incident that happened to her at school and she felt she had no one to go to.  Not her teachers, the principal, me or her dad.  She was desperate.  I asked her if she looked up self harm on google, she said no.  I asked her how she knew what she was essentially doing and she said 'I just had to get something sharp and scratch myself until I felt better'... My god.  It was like mirror imaging.  Like I was talking to my 11 year old self.  So scary.  So FUCKING scary.  At that instant I felt I had failed her.  My heart is broken.  I've given her coping strategies that I've been given over the years, and I have been self harm free for almost 3 years.  It's hard, so god damn hard.  I love my daughter with my every inch of my body and I will do anything to try and heal her pain, right now I need to mend 2 hearts.  Wish me luck.

Until next time, be kind x

The pain of mental health

Today is the 6th January, 2016.  I have not kept to my resolutions, you know - lose weight, get healthy, beat depression/anxiety/BPD/OCD/PTSD and the rest?  I guess I'm over committing myself and should concentrate on one thing or the other.

Today I had my 2nd day off work since I started 4.5 months ago.  I felt bad for having another day off (I had yesterday off too) but my head would not let me focus on anything except on how I'm feeling, and let me tell you it's not pretty.

My head feels like it's going to explode.  Actually my body feels like it's going to explode.  I cried on the way home from the chemist at a song that made me think of my Nanna, I was listening to Sam Smith's 'Lay Me Down' and some of the words, well ok, most of them, are reminiscent of how I am feeling:

Can I lay by your side?

Next to you?

And make sure you're alright, I'll take care of you

I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

See what I mean? Hits you right in the throat, creates the lump then the tears flow.  

Once when I was younger and my Nanna was staying with us, she used to sleep in my bed and I would sleep on a fold up bed beside her.  One morning my stereo came on, no I didn't press any buttons on the remote, and one song by Coolio - I'll see you when you get there, came on.  My Nanna always praised me for my taste in music, and said every song I ever played her was lovely.  This came on and she said 'What a lovely song darling' - ever since then I play it and it instantly reminds me of her.  You see, my whole life turned upside down nearly 9 months ago.  My darling Nanna was diagnosed with cancer.  I have felt numb until now, when my depression has taken over and I cannot function to the fact of making dinner, heck I can't even do a load of washing let alone take a shower.

The fact that my Nanna is 94, being as strong as an ox, living on morphine as she refused chemotherapy, what once started as thyroid cancer, is now cancer of the brain stem, liver and quite possibly her bones now, we find out next week.  

My Nanna also said almost 9 months ago that she didn't want any of us going down to Tasmania to see her, as it was her dying wish.  I may come across selfish but I am going down to see her next week, to help with my mental health state.  No body knows that I am going, and it's a very low key visit.  It's not to catch up with friends, it's to be with my Nanna, going to bingo - something we loved doing when I was younger, it was our thing and I loved it.  I will take her out for lunch, not that she likes food very much but it's the thought of just being with her for one or two precious days, I feel I will improve my mental health by seeing her but it will also shatter my heart as I know it will be the last ever time I see her.  It's a cruel catch 22.  

So through the tears today, I blog this.  My inner most thoughts & fears and what I am going to have to go through next week, I feel it's the right thing to do, for me, and I know my Nanna will (hopefully) see why I had to do it all, she means so much to me to not do anything, if that makes me selfish then so be it, I'm selfish.

2015 was a shit year, I fucked up, my marriage was on the rocks - hey my whole fucking life was on the rocks.  I wanted to disappear, that didn't happen - I'm still here, typing this to the world.

So as I battle my demons once again, for another day, it brings me closer to a nervous trip to Tassie. I just wish it was my Nanna and nobody else as I cannot stand them, they mean nothing to me.