Letter to my husband (part 2)

It is now the 6th February 2026. We just surpassed 19 whole years together, and how does that make me feel? Absolutely shameful. You know you changed 10 years ago, we've never got you back. The kids, especially Holly, says you're a 'father' and not a 'dad'. She is so spot on. And the fact that she explained why, broke my fucking heart. She said 'I wish dad was a dad, you know, does fun things with his kids, takes them places, creates memories, takes photos together - you know mum, stuff like that' 'but he's just a father, he's not a dad'. How do I come back from that? I can guarantee that it won't affect you either way if I told you that to your face, you would try to hug her for a week and return to your non-empathic, non-sympathetic, angry, narcissist. 

I feel sorry for you, actually. I have never been in a narcissistic relationship before, and it's taken me a little while to gain strength to tell you to your face that you are just that - a complete narcissist. I hate the way all I do is give you unconditional love and all I get back is love with conditions. The financial abuse, emotional abuse, mental anguish - I am half the person I used to be, and so many people have noticed - especially friends from school & friends I've gained through the kids' schools. I have completely lost my spark. I mask my heartache with a smile, humour - anything than have to start to talk to you about 'feelings' because, you know, men don't do that. 

There is nothing that you do for me anymore, absolutely nothing. You don't stimulate me in any way. You don't turn any of my senses on, you don't make me feel sexy, you don't make me feel wanted. You know I HATE being groped, I HATE you kissing my nipples and grabbing at my vagina, I am not a piece of goddamn meat - I am your WIFE. If you want a whore, go and find one, jesus, heaven help a wife that just wants intimacy & spontaneity. I actually realised we have nothing whatsoever in common. I have no idea why I didn't walk away when I was pregnant with Mia, I will NEVER forget how you treated me then and as much as you deny what you said and did, a woman never gets over a man hurting her, especially the father of her unborn child. And unfortunately now, that child is a spitting image of you. She lies to cover lies, if she doesn't get her way - gives me the cold shoulder, that's why you two fight so fucking much, because you're both looking at yourself in the mirror. 

I have done an incredible job of raising our children, they have big hearts, wonderful manners, empathy, sympathy, never leave the house without saying they love me, never hang up the phone without saying they love me, and it's been really fucking hard too. I wish you knew how to treat an autistic child properly. Holly and Blake are chalk and cheese. Holly has methodical ways, Blake has distraction. Not that you know that, as you have no patience or interest in what they go through. I apologise to them everyday for letting them down being sick, and I get from Blake 'Mummy it's ok, you can't help it, you're still the best mummy in the world'. Our 9 year old has more empathy than his 47 year old father. Make that make sense. I teach him that chivalry is not dead. I make him repeat to me how to treat a woman properly. It's heartbreaking really as the dad is meant to do that, but seeing as though you've taught him absolutely nothing but conditional love, I am his mum & his dad. 

I have nothing left. Nothing. I did not want to come home from Tassie. I felt so at peace down there, and I really cannot believe you had to ruin such a heartbreaking trip for me. I will never forgive you, ever. And it's my right to bring that up whenever I feel need be. I got opinions from a few friends about what you did to me, and one asked why you would kick me while I was already down. I said 'because that's what you do' - that is just you. Break a heart, try to brush it off - 'I don't see a big deal', of course you don't. Then as I said, you never take me out for dinner and of all things you scream at me 'THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS SICK'. I didn't think my own husband could hurt me so goddamn much. You shattered me. I have never come back from that. 

I didn't accidentally take those 2 medications together, I knew what I was doing and hoped I would fade into the abyss. The 2nd time I thought it was it, it wasn't as peaceful as the first but I wasn't scared, only scared that my babies would hate me. It's the only way I can get out of this hell of what ever the fuck you call it. A situationship? A friendship? A convenienceship? It's definitely not a marriage. 

I am actually petrified to lose mum & dad, because I know I will not have any comfort from you. I will grieve alone, like I have with my nanna - and look where that got me. A broken heart on top of a broken heart. 

I cannot handle this anymore, but I have nowhere to go - and you know this. So all the stress, throwing up, sickness, infections, chronic fatigue - it's all because of you. If I had half of the stress I have now, I wouldn't have an immune system depletion. I can guarantee you that. Stress is a killer, it hasn't got me yet, but something feels off and it feels like a ticking time bomb, and to be honest? I will welcome it with open arms.

One day when you find these letters, I hope that you feel remorseful, but I know you won't. Just know that your kids despise you, your wife despises you & a lot of people think you're a complete dickhead.