You remind me of myself so much that it actually scares me. My beautiful girl. Here I was all those years ago thinking you'd been freed of the 'mental health' curse. I couldn't get that lucky. I blame myself for everything. Your SA, your anxiety, your depression, your dark thoughts, your self harm, the constant urge to hurt someone or yourself so badly, suicidal ideation, mania - you and I are mirror images, and that scares me so much that I don't think I could ever be honest enough to tell you..
Your uncle seems to like to vilify and rehash the fact we let the ball drop and let a predator in our house. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that, and each time he brings it up my tummy turns into knots. It's unfair, yes, justified, not really, should he move on, yes but he can't. Sometimes I just wish you had a normal uncle & auntie that loved to spend time with you without 'conditions' - 'oh you have to promise you won't do stupid shit, then you can come stay', 'oh, you're definitely not coming to stay now with that behaviour' - so much judgement from someone who was not an angel when he was young. Albeit, he didn't do things to hurt our parents, we had too much respect for them, but what they didn't know didn't hurt them and that stood firm.. The uncle I thought he'd be is nothing of which he is, that hurts me. And sadly, I know it hurts you to have so many conditions to be in his company. I'm sorry.
So far 2022 can kiss my ass. It's been the most unpleasant start to any year since I got sick. I know it's affected you and I am trying to keep a lot from you, I really am. I am fiercely stubborn, but you my darling are too. You're a warrior, I can see the fire in you - don't ever lose it. I will be ok, I don't know in what capacity, but once I get some procedures done and maybe change up some medications and some hope I might just be able to walk properly.
Keep being you. Do your silly TikToks, walk to the park & watch the water over the rocks, dress in your hippy pants & tye dyed shirt, sleep in your mickey mouse bedding, watch those horror movies (I'm proud of you!) eat those cornflakes and honey.. Just be you. Don't let the assholes steal your light.
I love you,
Mumma Bear
