Today is the 6th January, 2016. I have not kept to my resolutions, you know - lose weight, get healthy, beat depression/anxiety/BPD/OCD/PTSD and the rest? I guess I'm over committing myself and should concentrate on one thing or the other.
Today I had my 2nd day off work since I started 4.5 months ago. I felt bad for having another day off (I had yesterday off too) but my head would not let me focus on anything except on how I'm feeling, and let me tell you it's not pretty.
My head feels like it's going to explode. Actually my body feels like it's going to explode. I cried on the way home from the chemist at a song that made me think of my Nanna, I was listening to Sam Smith's 'Lay Me Down' and some of the words, well ok, most of them, are reminiscent of how I am feeling:
Can I lay by your side?
Next to you?
And make sure you're alright, I'll take care of you
I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight
See what I mean? Hits you right in the throat, creates the lump then the tears flow.
Once when I was younger and my Nanna was staying with us, she used to sleep in my bed and I would sleep on a fold up bed beside her. One morning my stereo came on, no I didn't press any buttons on the remote, and one song by Coolio - I'll see you when you get there, came on. My Nanna always praised me for my taste in music, and said every song I ever played her was lovely. This came on and she said 'What a lovely song darling' - ever since then I play it and it instantly reminds me of her. You see, my whole life turned upside down nearly 9 months ago. My darling Nanna was diagnosed with cancer. I have felt numb until now, when my depression has taken over and I cannot function to the fact of making dinner, heck I can't even do a load of washing let alone take a shower.
The fact that my Nanna is 94, being as strong as an ox, living on morphine as she refused chemotherapy, what once started as thyroid cancer, is now cancer of the brain stem, liver and quite possibly her bones now, we find out next week.
My Nanna also said almost 9 months ago that she didn't want any of us going down to Tasmania to see her, as it was her dying wish. I may come across selfish but I am going down to see her next week, to help with my mental health state. No body knows that I am going, and it's a very low key visit. It's not to catch up with friends, it's to be with my Nanna, going to bingo - something we loved doing when I was younger, it was our thing and I loved it. I will take her out for lunch, not that she likes food very much but it's the thought of just being with her for one or two precious days, I feel I will improve my mental health by seeing her but it will also shatter my heart as I know it will be the last ever time I see her. It's a cruel catch 22.
So through the tears today, I blog this. My inner most thoughts & fears and what I am going to have to go through next week, I feel it's the right thing to do, for me, and I know my Nanna will (hopefully) see why I had to do it all, she means so much to me to not do anything, if that makes me selfish then so be it, I'm selfish.
2015 was a shit year, I fucked up, my marriage was on the rocks - hey my whole fucking life was on the rocks. I wanted to disappear, that didn't happen - I'm still here, typing this to the world.
So as I battle my demons once again, for another day, it brings me closer to a nervous trip to Tassie. I just wish it was my Nanna and nobody else as I cannot stand them, they mean nothing to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment